Depression can be masked by a person if they are committed to putting on a front of happiness.
I’ll never forget this day. We were making breakfast on a Sunday morning when I look out the window and I see her brother walking down the sidewalk towards our house. I look at her and I say “Hey look, it’s your brother!”. I welcomed him in, and was concerned when he had a very stoich and somber look on his face. He simply looked at me and said “…Jorge.”, then looked at my fiancee and said “Amy…” and proceeded to simply say in one sentence that someone close to them had taken their life to suicide.
I look back at my fiancee and she just fell to her knees just repeatedly saying “No… No… No… No..”. All I could do was walk over to her and hold her. Until you’ve been in that situation, you don’t understand the helplessness and powerless place you’re in, where no words come to you; and if they did, they’d be meaningless.
Depression hit her family with the ultimate price. In ignorance, I said I’d never see myself there; how could anyone let themselves get there?!
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This is going to be a bit longer, as this is very close to my heart.. something I supremely empathize and relate to. So, make a bag of popcorn and settle in.
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Well, after my loss in my last relationship, I allowed and enabled myself to do the worst thing possible. I kept contact with my ex girlfriend. Not only kept contact, but over the next several months she told me about the dates she was going on, the guys she was getting intimate with, and how great some other guys were. All this, while still hooking up with her for a late night rendezvous (yes… I’m talking about sex), dinners, dates, day trips; all hoping there was a chance we’d still reconcile.
Like I talked about weeks ago, I was rationalizing the pains she put me through. Forgetting that I was the one who ended it and stood my ground the days after. But, then longing for her and missing the good we had weeks after the breakup. Finally taking advantage of the opportunity she presented to still have her in my life when we finally had that “closure” conversation.
It was hands down the stupidest and worse thing I could have enabled in my situation because it simply sent me down the rabbit hole of depression and borderline suicide. If you read my entry from last week, that’s the metaphor I describe in my essay when I was baptized, being in that barren wasteland of my life.
But I had to somehow, survive…
Isaiah 61: “He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to free you from the prison of darkness … and to comfort all who mourn.”
I had mentioned in the past that I was told near the end of this “tryst” that it wasn’t about love or relationship, but about what I could provide. Ironically, or as an act of Grace, I had prayed for a sign from God (the night before this conversation) to clearly show me where I stood with her. I got it alright!
I remember that night going to a restaurant I frequented and just sitting at the bar and simply sobbing all night long. The bartender I had grown to know the last several months, and even the people on either side of me could clearly see my distress and let me be. But then in a sheer act of kindness and empathy, my bartender (who felt like the only person on Earth who understood me right then) put a plate down in front of me, made of whatever she had at her disposal, in the form of a smiley face. I looked up at her, tears streaming down my face; eyes as red as coals, and forced a smile. She looked at me with such compassion with a napkin outstretched and simply said… “It’ll be OK, I promise.” Not having any idea why… but still selflessly offering herself to someone she barely knew who was suffering and dying all over again on the inside.
I was touched. I made it through that night, but still had another month of turmoil with that ex until I finally started to find peace. It really drove me to understand and develop tremendous empathy for those of us who have hurts and wounds we simply can’t see from the outside.
In that understanding I quickly came to realize that pain is a natural part of grief.
The sad thing is, the differences between the natural process of grief and depression are hard to see sometimes. One could easily slip from a natural stage of grieving to a level of clinical depression due to the choices they make. In my case.. my lifestyle with her took me to the next level.
So what does normal grief look like?
1: Little interest or pleasure in doing things
2: Feeling down, depressed, or hopeless
3: Trouble falling or staying sleep. Too much sleep!
4: Feeling tired or having little energy
5: Poor appetite or overeating
6: Trouble concentrating
7: Lethargy or being fidgety.
By comparison, what’s clinical depression look like?
1: Little interest or pleasure in doing things
2: Feeling down, depressed, or hopeless
3: Trouble falling or staying sleep. Too much sleep!
4: Feeling tired or having little energy
5: Poor appetite or overeating
6: Trouble concentrating
7: Lethargy or being fidgety.
8: Feelings of.. guilt, worthlessness, hopelessness, self-loathing
9: Focus on negative memories, alienation, inconsolable mindset
10: Self harm, suicidal thoughts, lack of self preservation
What’s the difference between these lists? Simply, anger; turned inward against the self, grief rapidly turns into depression. I was VERY angry with myself for enabling her to use me. Very angry at myself for letting her continuously put the blame on me for everything, always twisting things around to make it look like it was my fault; knowing I’d cave, because I just wanted to make things better, and make it work.
Any level or form of depression results in a chemical imbalance in hormones.
1: Any form of depression is a chemical imbalance.
Depression starts with stress. The human body is an extremely fine tuned machine. When too much stress occurs, the body ups a variety of chemicals and hormones to compensate for what’s happening. The problem is that you then have an imbalance that affects your physiology. This affects everything from appetite, to the ability to fight off disease and infection, to even how we distort our logic, thinking, and reasoning.
2: The latest research shows that upbringing and lifestyle examples at a very early age predispose us to depression.
It was pretty profound to learn that depression is not genetically linked. It’s a factor of culture and lifestyle. At least, that’s the current theory some counselors and psychologists now are researching. The proverbial question is no longer “What pill to take?”, it’s “What is happening in the family to plant this seed?”
How our role models handle crisis and grief directly wire us for life.
A good metaphor a teacher I listened to used was that a kidney serves the same function from your first breath until it finally fails. The brain is, by comparison, malleable..
Here’s an excerpt from an article in Psychology Today that talks about this:
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For many years, it was believed that the human brain is essentially hardwired—that we are born with a set of cognitive abilities, which are more or less unalterable for the rest of our lives. But the discovery of neuroplasticity—our brain’s ability to selectively transform itself in response to certain experiences—has proven to be one of the biggest paradigm shifts that neuroscience has seen over the last 25 years. Simply put, neuroplasticity refers to our brain’s malleability—its ability to respond to certain intrinsic or extrinsic stimuli by reorganizing and building its structure, function and connections (NCBI).
Faculty at the University of Washington illustrate neuroplasticity through a simple camera analogy. When clicking the image of a tree, the camera film must react to light and ‘transform’ itself to record the image. Our brain is like the film—it reacts and transforms itself when recording or experiencing certain stimuli.
The fact that our brain doesn’t just absorb—but can also re-wire itself in response to certain repeated activities and experiences—has opened new opportunities for cognitive therapy. What it means is that cognitive functions such as attention, memory, critical thinking, decision making, multitasking and abstract reasoning may be managed and improved.
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Families who suffer dysfunction from the very top with the parents, or grandparents before them, who bottle up emotions, and never encourage their peers or children to talk out their feelings are more disposed to planting the seeds of anger, suicide, and depression. Families who have, and encourage, constructive means of communication tend to avoid the proverbial powder keg.
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One of the tools I have used in counseling was the “Burns depression checklist”.
http://healingheartscc.com/docs/first_steps/FS_DepressionQuiz.pdf <--
You can find it here, online.I remembered taking this within weeks of the start of this season in my life and I scored a 24. I took it tonight, to simply show what God has done in my life as well as the ministry and people I've surrounded myself with, and I'm now at an 8.So I've gone from mild/moderate clinical depression, to being normal/borderline depression.----------------------------------------So how do you begin to solve depression?
Professional services:
Individual or group counseling works wonders! There is almost a 90% success rate to pull people out of where they’re at. This is much higher then medication! Massage, or if absolutely necessary (because you simply can’t will yourself out of bed) evaluation for medications to pull you out of that deepest spot while other methods go to work.
Lifestyle:
Exercise! Hands down, the hormone dumps, breathing, and discipline have proven as effective as an anti-depressant medication. I learned that Yoga is huge for those suffering from PTSD and returning from active duty in the military.
Diet Changes:
Caffeine, alcohol, sugar, etc. Well, anything in excess, really. I have learned something about myself. Alcohol takes whatever I’m feeling and amplifies it 10x over. When I was sitting in that restaurant I was a beer in, and I went from being composed, to just coming unglued at the seams. I’ve learned something about myself and alcohol since that day.
Sunlight:
That shocked me, but it made sense. Sunlight hits the retina and the brain releases serotonin. The bodies natural “feel good” drug is released at that time, affecting mood dramatically. Tons of research is available online concerning this, and the “fall/winter blues”. So, especially during this time of year, try and go for a walk during the day… I do all the time and it helps!
Spiritual Practices:
Be in Community:
When you’re depressed, being around the water cooler at work can be a good thing, or a bad thing based on the empathy of the person you’re talking to. Where, if you’re plugged into a small group (like I am in my own church) you are then surrounded by like minded people who relate to you, and empathize with you. In the sharing of those experiances, intense healing arises.
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There are others for sure, and I’m no psychologist, but I’ve learned a lot over the last half year about myself, about the unhealthy life style and habits I had, and what’s good for me.
In finally being open about the feelings and thoughts I’ve shut out from the world, a tremendous healing has finally started in my soul. I encourage you to do the same if you find yourself in this season of your life.
“It’ll be OK, I promise.”