Life after Loss: A future, your future

The end of the “Life after Loss” winter session was concluded with a study aptly named “Now That We Know“. It was fairly profound, especially eclipsing the holiday season where many people, who have sustained loss, were left reeling in the wake of their grief. The death of a loved one, a broken relationship, wounds that are still tender; the suffering I could see with my own eyes would bring a tear to anyone’s eyes.

How has this process looked through the lens of someone who went through a physically and psychologically abusive relationship (<- Click to follow. Originally published: 2014/11/05)? It's hard to put into words; what my future would look like, or where I'd end up. But here's a glimpse, wondering if I can make it (<- Click to follow. Originally published: 2014/10/23), knowing I will make it, and looking for opportunities despite the loss.Now that I know..“But, what do we know?”

18 months ago my world started to change. I knew it was what needed to happen. I knew (as un-natural as it is for me) that I needed to care for myself because the person who I prayed for 4 years would, simply wouldn’t; and at the end blatantly made it worse in her own sickness.

“What did I know?”

I knew my decisions would cause immeasurable pain to my heart, but in time it would lead to healing. But it was a short lived resolve when I gave into trying again. Making it worse when I ripped away again almost 12 months ago. Then doing it again, and finally tearing away for the last time 9 months ago.

I went from my world changing, to myself being changed. Our personalities are defined by late adolescence. But, in the wake of a traumatic event, our psyche can re-arrange. The filter with which we live life is forever damaged, leaving our view of the world colored forever. I know that happened to me.

“How did I know?”

Simply? Because I realized that I was far less trusting, far more bitter, and far more closed off. Not wanting to let anyone in. Fearing that the only thing I’d find for my effort was more abuse and pain. Yet, as bad and tragic as that mindset is, a tremendous empathy and compassion sprung up from the cracks in my heart that she left riddled in her wake. I’ve never given up in anything in life, so I knew that something good had to come of the gut-wrenching pain she put me through. I believe in my faith that my God needed me to learn from it.

“What was it then?”

I knew that my largest gift, the ability to care for and love others, was also my biggest weakness. I never learned to love myself, to care for myself. This experience has certainly left me in a more emotionally grounded state. One where I’ve learned to trust in my Lord, and to trust my own instincts. Never again rationalizing the hurts someone causes me.

Sadly, that’s also not a good thing for my future. One day, if I choose to let anyone in again, I will need to trust. I will need to drop my guard and close my eyes again. I do believe that there is a good person out there who will understand, or who’s experienced my pain. That empathy binds people together. But if it’s God’s will that someone claim my heart, I know I need to have faith that they won’t be like her..

I’d much rather be single, then suffer one more day of my life with someone incapable of loving someone the way God commands it.

“So that’s it then?”

Well, ironically, the beginning of the year I had made it a point to just let God bring someone to me, to focus on myself in earnest. It was actually a speaker who came into church (Dr. Henry Cloud) who gave a sermon to people in relationships, as well to single people, that convicted me to change my thoughts on it.

Check out this video clip from that day. It’s hilarious!

https://willowcreek.tv/sermons/south-barrington/2015/02/restart-your-relationships/ <-- The full link to the entire recording is here, for those who are interested in seeing what he said. It's truly worth the view.There's a saying I heard. We all have baggage we need to carry. The question is, will someone come along who's willing to help you carry it, and eventually unpack it?I have faith that I will one day allow myself to open my heart and be vulnerable again. If there's one take away over the last 18 months, it's this. I've been exposed, and gotten to know countless examples of women ten times greater then "she" ever could hope to be. It was just me, who was too afraid to open up to them. It wasn't my time yet.But now, I know…
-Jorge