Life After Loss: “Why?” ..or is it “What?”

Profound, isn’t it? When you really get out of that “ICU” phase in your grief, where you are constantly being talked off the ledge, or continuously finding yourself needing intervention from others to keep you from withdrawing further and further into your shell, you need to do a health check.

The “Why” factor:

Do you find yourself constantly asking “Why?”? Well, being a student of Psychology and Sociology I’m no longer naive enough to think EVERYONE has that capacity for emotion and empathy. Some are simply so detached and aloof in their own psyche that their superego can command them to move on… because they never held on in the first place. Then you have others, like me, like the person I wrote about in the last entry I posted, who’s basic fear is of not being lovable. Our superegos command us to try and hold onto anyone that brought us that feeling of warmth into our lives, for fear we will never find it again.. But I digress, I can have a whole other conversation about my E(I)SFJ and Enneagram type 2w3 personality. I say E(I) because I’m a 60/40 Extro/Introvert split. So both ESFJ and ISFJ types personify in me. Google em. Pretty cool stuff.

So “Why?”? Know people who have gone through trials and were horribly broken? EVERYONE goes through the “WHY?” phase. But do you know people who’ve gone through some terrible heartache; a loss, divorce, a bad breakup.. and months, years, decades later, they never got past the “WHY?!” phase? So engrossed in their pain; every meeting is like them hitting play on a pre-recorded message of how they suffered.. and no matter how many times you’ve heard it, that’s all you get from them.

I realized I was like that for months. That’s OK though. Everyone is allowed to be the victim. The question is, are you going to remain a victim, or become the conqueror? Notice, I didn’t say survivor. That implies status quo. I intend to transcend that. More on that in a minute.

“Crisis” In Chinese it’s comprised of two characters. One meaning “Danger” the other “Opportunity”. Fitting, isn’t it?

Look at the above. It’s not “Danger” and “Survival”, it’s “Danger” and “Opportunity”. To win, to succeed, to overcome and persevere.

Trials are inevitable. They also tend to make us or break us, especially if you remain the victim. Your soul sours so horribly, that it forever changes you.

Going through my own divorce, before the hell that was my last relationship (see… I still do it.. playing the victim), I always found myself struggling with some of the decisions I’d see concerning my children. Just, things you are powerless over controlling. That begs the question, just what CAN you control?

Simply, your attitude.

Reminds me of a night last summer. At our local summer festival. For background, I’m a photographer. Not much I haven’t shot in my life. The camera lives in my hand. So, I was shooting a great local band I love. I remember, walking up to the stage in the table area, focusing and concentrating on how I planned on framing the shot when I just walked right past someone (literally a foot away, on my left), and I froze in place, two steps later.

I had just walked right past my ex and a guy she was dating. This, mind you, is all of 3 months after a very tragic breakup, and literally a week or so after I finally realized I needed to walk away from what she was doing to me (http://www.projectwrx.com/?p=553 <-- See Life After Loss: ...depression).The “What” factor:

I stopped… she stopped.. I could just FEEL the gaze piercing my heart. I had a choice. What I WANTED to do was to turn around and say the most unthinkable things to her and him. But nothing could come of it. So I looked forward, literally and figuratively, and started walking towards that stage.

What else can you do to conquer your grief? Well, you need to endure. You need to ask yourself the question “What do I need RIGHT NOW, at this VERY second?”.

Then finally, as opposed to asking the question “Why?”. You should start looking to God and consider the following.

“Lord, you are all knowing, all powerful, and all merciful. I know you didn’t fall asleep in the last season of my life, so I know you enabled or endorsed what just happened to me. So then tell me Lord, what would you have these hands do, and what would you have me gain to help me become a better person though this experience?”

Let’s close, going full circle. We don’t have to go to far in God’s word to understand how to deal with loss and pain and brokenness.

The entire New Testament was written during a political and spiritual powder keg. Just look at the caption on the first image. Then remember, that people like Jesus, Paul, and Peter; who are shining examples of the devout image of our Lord God for us, suffered innumerably in their life times.

Brokenness is inevitable. God does have a plan to redeem this and every difficult experience. He promises whatever painful ordeal you go through, the pain will not be wasted. He will leverage your pain, transforming anger into acceptance, guilt into surrender, and fear into peace.

Blessings,
-Jorge